I have had a horrible few weeks. I've done nothing right...I've put on weight...I am beside myself with loathing and shame. I just don't know what is wrong with me.
Everything I promised I would do from my last blog...I haven't! I am an absolute deadset mess.
I want to blame my mother...who turned up with cake the other day...she hates that I'm losing weight when she can't. I want to blame everyone ...It seriously can't be my fault that I'm turning back into a fat little piggy.
But no sadly this is my fault and I am at a deadset loss to understand why....Why? did I do so well last round and why? am I struggling so much this round?
I am beside myself....I have been sponsored this round...which means I have to succeed and I'm not. I am letting other people down...People who have believed in me....I'm sorry :(
I feel myself slipping into the dark place I was in many years ago where I had no control and I don't understand why...I am healthier than I've been in years and thinner. But I can't seem to maintain it and I feel so useless..All the joy and awesomeness I felt from last round is slipping. I have been in contact with a few people that I think have helped in making me feel this way..
I got myself a buddy (a FB inspired idea) and I've hardly heard from her, even though I've tried a few times to make contact...clearly I should have requested someone as F%^ked up as me. I also reached out to a local girl and sadly I seemed to have done something to annoy her too..all my msg's and emails have gone un-answered after our first meeting.
Even though I feel like a massive failure....I have a few plans in tact..I have bought and planned for week 6, I have had a lovely chat with another awesome 30+ gal (whom I've always admired from afar). I don't want to be a failure...I don't want people to say to me .."I knew you couldn't do it" I don't want to be this miserable, sad person I thought I'd said goodbye to.
I do deserve this.
I'm sorry this has been a tad dis-jointed
Linnijane,
ReplyDeleteI dont know you but you are not the only one struggling. Try and revisit your goal/s and excuses, replay the videos from Mish, post on the forums or your local FB page and reach out as genuinely as you have here. I am sure you can do this if you do so great in round 1 you just need to STOP being so hard on yourself. Go back to basics and start a fresh without the pressure.
And most of all stop looking at the long road ahead and set smaller achievable goals. Have a look at where you have come from and see not only the weight loss but also the other achievements, the will power, the loss of cm's, the gain of confidence and prolonging your life.
Thank you for sharing your blog
Jass
Oh Linnijane, I wrote a similar post the other week, I had a fantastic Rd 3 last year, an okay Rd 1 this year and now I am having a terrible Rd 2. I totally understand how you feel. I also have no answers as to what's changed or why but I do know that both of us can turn things around and get back on track.
ReplyDelete