Sunday, 8 July 2012

Whats wrong with me??

I have had a horrible few weeks. I've done nothing right...I've put on weight...I am beside myself with loathing and shame. I just don't know what is wrong with me.
Everything I promised I would do from my last blog...I haven't! I am an absolute deadset mess.

I want to blame my mother...who turned up with cake the other day...she hates that I'm losing weight when she can't. I want to blame everyone ...It seriously can't be my fault that I'm turning back into a fat little piggy.
But no sadly this is my fault and I am at a deadset loss to understand why....Why? did I do so well last round and why? am I struggling so much this round?
I am beside myself....I have been sponsored this round...which means I have to succeed and I'm not. I am letting other people down...People who have believed in me....I'm sorry :(

I feel myself slipping into the dark place I was in many years ago where I had no control and I don't understand why...I am healthier than I've been in years and thinner. But I can't seem to maintain it and I feel so useless..All the joy and awesomeness I felt from last round is slipping. I have been in contact with a few people that I think have helped in making me feel this way..
I got myself a buddy (a FB inspired idea) and I've hardly heard from her, even though I've tried a few times to make contact...clearly I should have requested someone as F%^ked up as me. I also reached out to a local girl and sadly I seemed to have done something to annoy her too..all my msg's and emails have gone un-answered after our first meeting.

Even though I feel like a massive failure....I have a few plans in tact..I have bought and planned for week 6, I have had a lovely chat with another awesome 30+ gal (whom I've always admired from afar). I don't want to be a failure...I don't want people to say to me .."I knew you couldn't do it" I don't want to be this miserable, sad person I thought I'd said goodbye to.

I do deserve this.
I'm sorry this has been a tad dis-jointed

Sunday, 1 July 2012

Round 1 was so easy!

I am on struggle street and I don't understand why round 2 has been such hard work for me.

Round 1 was so easy, I did what I was meant to do, I followed the program 100% (well...95%). I exercised I ate cleanly...It was just so easy, I JFDI.

Round 2 has been a completely different story. I seem to be lacking the motivation I had in round 1, which is insane as I still have just under 20kg to lose.
Don't get me wrong, I have lost weight this round. I've welcomed back my dear old friend "the 80's" and I am so very close to merely being overweight as opposed to obese. I am starting to love the way I look again, my clothes are falling off me. These things should be the biggest motivation ever to keep going.

My plan as I sit here is to go back and revisit my goals and watch all of the video's..I need to find my mojo, my focus and motivation. I need to recommit to 12wbt and get rid of this final 18kg. I need to do something, because the way I'm going at the moment, it won't be long until I'm back up over 100kg and really that is just not acceptable!