Week 1 weigh in and SOOO many red flags

Happy to say I am exactly the same weight I was last Wednesday, which was the final weight for round 2. When I weighed myself one Sunday morning I'd put on 600g after are rather indulgent weekend. But with 2 days of clean eating and sticking to my calories I am back at last weeks weight. I am closer to 80 than I am to 90 and I'm a weight I haven't been in over 10 years. Squeeeeee!

Last night I was diarising my red flags and I have to admit I'm a little scared. Lets me honest I really have no self control when it comes to food and to have so many red flags is a little daunting and I'm really going to have to plan out those red flags so I don't jeopardise my final 12wbt.

Here's a sample for you
- Fathers Day - usually a indulgent day filled with deliciously rich food and a steady flow of alcohol.
- A pre-planed cheese and wine afternoon with some girlfriends to discuss our upcoming camping trip
- Our local 12wbt crew finale/welcome party
- A week of camping (Gulp) thankfully one of the other mum's is also on 12wbt this round and I think we'll only be sharing dinners so everything else I should be able to control.
- My neice/nephew's birthday party
- Bathurst weekend: another indulgent weekend filled with lots of food and alcohol
- My Mum's birthday
- My son's birthday
- Icehouse concert
- 12wbt Finale party

WOW I am really going to have to be organised and flex my willpower muscle.

Until next time
LJx

Peeks head around corner....Hello is anyone still here?

Well I'm not sure if anyone's still out there. But today I am making my return to blogging.

Round 2 wasn't so great for me. I really feel like I let everyone down. I managed to lose 7.8kg, but if you add to that the 3kg I put on in between rounds, it's really not that good considering how well I did in round 1. and that ladies & gents is I believe where I went wrong. I got complacent. Gosh give a girl a few compliments and she thinks she is the supreme goddess of weight loss.

I've now laid round 2 to rest and I am back and feeling confident to finally shed myself of the last 15kg.

This is my commitment -

My commitment to myself, to my family, to Mish and to the 12wbt community is to eat clean for the next 12 weeks and beyond. To build up my exercise and to learn to run for longer periods of time. I commit to blogging regularly and participating on the forums. I commit to never analysis anything on this program, I will JFDI. I commit to taking my vitamins every day and watching all of the weekly video's. Most importantly I commit to being kinder to myself and acknowledging how far I've actually come.

I'm feeling excited and quietly confident. I'm even considering ordering my finale dress now in a size 12 as extra incentive. 

So I'm hoping I still have a few people out there who are keen to read my blog, cause "baby I'ma back!"

Whats wrong with me??

I have had a horrible few weeks. I've done nothing right...I've put on weight...I am beside myself with loathing and shame. I just don't know what is wrong with me.
Everything I promised I would do from my last blog...I haven't! I am an absolute deadset mess.

I want to blame my mother...who turned up with cake the other day...she hates that I'm losing weight when she can't. I want to blame everyone ...It seriously can't be my fault that I'm turning back into a fat little piggy.
But no sadly this is my fault and I am at a deadset loss to understand why....Why? did I do so well last round and why? am I struggling so much this round?
I am beside myself....I have been sponsored this round...which means I have to succeed and I'm not. I am letting other people down...People who have believed in me....I'm sorry :(

I feel myself slipping into the dark place I was in many years ago where I had no control and I don't understand why...I am healthier than I've been in years and thinner. But I can't seem to maintain it and I feel so useless..All the joy and awesomeness I felt from last round is slipping. I have been in contact with a few people that I think have helped in making me feel this way..
I got myself a buddy (a FB inspired idea) and I've hardly heard from her, even though I've tried a few times to make contact...clearly I should have requested someone as F%^ked up as me. I also reached out to a local girl and sadly I seemed to have done something to annoy her too..all my msg's and emails have gone un-answered after our first meeting.

Even though I feel like a massive failure....I have a few plans in tact..I have bought and planned for week 6, I have had a lovely chat with another awesome 30+ gal (whom I've always admired from afar). I don't want to be a failure...I don't want people to say to me .."I knew you couldn't do it" I don't want to be this miserable, sad person I thought I'd said goodbye to.

I do deserve this.
I'm sorry this has been a tad dis-jointed

Round 1 was so easy!

I am on struggle street and I don't understand why round 2 has been such hard work for me.

Round 1 was so easy, I did what I was meant to do, I followed the program 100% (well...95%). I exercised I ate cleanly...It was just so easy, I JFDI.

Round 2 has been a completely different story. I seem to be lacking the motivation I had in round 1, which is insane as I still have just under 20kg to lose.
Don't get me wrong, I have lost weight this round. I've welcomed back my dear old friend "the 80's" and I am so very close to merely being overweight as opposed to obese. I am starting to love the way I look again, my clothes are falling off me. These things should be the biggest motivation ever to keep going.

My plan as I sit here is to go back and revisit my goals and watch all of the video's..I need to find my mojo, my focus and motivation. I need to recommit to 12wbt and get rid of this final 18kg. I need to do something, because the way I'm going at the moment, it won't be long until I'm back up over 100kg and really that is just not acceptable!

:(

Blogger Challenge Week 3 - Motivation

Thanks to Jayne here is this weeks challenge topic. Motivation!

Here are the questions

what motivates you?

In a nutshell, my boys motivate me. I am married to my childhood sweetheart, who I still adore after nearly 20 years together. We have 3 gorgeous, cheeky boys, who are 9, 6 and 1. Our oldest son has asd. I want to set a good example for them. I want my boys to grow up and have a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I don't want them to look at me and think that it's ok to let yourself go. I think probably my biggest motivator is that I don't want my kids to be embarrassed by me.

What drives you to be a better version of yourself? 

I don't want to be shy any more. I used to dance and act in stage plays. I absolutely loved it. I would love to do that again. I want to have self confidence in myself again. I want to love myself again.

What is making you just get up early with no excuses and just getting out there getting your workout done and eating healthy meals.

Truth be known, I don't always get up early. In fact I rarely do. But I always exercise at some stage during the day. I always try to make plans to meet people and then I feel guilty if I don't turn up. With the food, that's easy I love clean eating now on the occasion that I have a blow out I always end up feeling revolting and it always remind's me of why I'm here and what I'm trying to achieve

What makes you push that little bit harder? 

I think a fear of failing makes me push that little bit harder and an overwhelming desire to prove to myself that I'm not worthless and I really, really can JFDI.

I wanted to share with you my Inspiration board that I did for the weekly task.

I really am a runner

Well that's what the little voice on my C25k app told me when I finished my 20 minute run today!

Yes that's right I finally did it. What a complete disaster the past 2 days have been, between me feeling sick on Friday, my kids being constantly sick and babysitting plans falling through, my Friday and Saturday plans to do my run were a complete disaster.

By hook or by crook I was doing this run today. I had hoped to meet my hubby during his lunch break at the gym so he could mind the boys while I did my run on the treadmill. But sadly he couldn't make it. So after I put my bub down for his sleep I got ready and went out into the back yard, which is a decent size. I wasn't happy though. I was having a real princess moment.....Why wasn't the world bowing down to me and doing exactly what I wanted. I didn't want to run in the backyard, I want to run on the treadmill. Even as the little voice on my C25k app was telling me all about today's run, I seriously could have cried.

So I started my 5 minute warm up and realised at about 4minutes that I hadn't turned my HRM on. Oh boy was I cranky (even considered stopping then and there). Then the run started and thankfully the bootiful Adam Levine came crooning through my ipod and Oh yes that boy certainly does move like Jagger. Well that changed my tune, I was happy to keep pace with his delightful voice. Before I knew the little voice was telling me I'd already run for 5 minutes. I nearly cried. On I ran for another 5 minutes and was delighted that my ipod was giving me constantly up beat music. Around the 10 minute mark I got a slow song and I started to panic, but it turns out Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis ain't too bad to run to after all. When the little voice told me I had run for 15 minutes, my arms went up in the air like I had just completed a marathon. And then before I knew...20 whole minutes had passed.

I RAN FOR 20 WHOLE MINUTES!!!

I'm a little shocked that I could actually do it. And I look back over the past couple of days and I can see my excuses shining through. Was I really feeling sick on Friday? or was I just in a state of panic about this run. I blamed my mum yesterday for not being home in time to look after the boys so I could do my run then. But seriously I know how unreliable my mum can be when it comes to positive things. I could have done my run during the day when my bub was sleeping.

It would seem I still have a long way to go when it comes to fighting my demons and ridding myself of my excuses. I'll get there eventually, I know I will.

LJx

PS - Thank you to the gorgeous Janie and Raelene who have been so supportive of my run, mwah to you both xx

Tomorrow will be a very important day!

WHY? I hear you ask....
Well tomorrow is day 3 of week 5 in the C25k program. Tomorrow I have to run for 20 minutes non stop. I won't lie, I'm scared.
In a nutshell I'm scared I won't be able to do it. It's the most I would have run in one go. I actually thought my phone app had it wrong & I checked in with the actually C25k website, but sadly no it is correct. Tomorrow I have to run for 20 minutes. The longest I've ever done is 8 minutes, I'm scared but determined! I'll let you know how I how I go
x