Back again - successes & failures

Well here I am back again. I've decided to start blogging again, as the last time I did I was very successful at everything.

So in 2012 I committed to losing 40kg. And I got over half way to that goal. I lost 28kg over 3 rounds of 12wbt. My mindset was very strong in round one and I achieved a lot losing just over 20kg. Round 2 I struggled greatly but still managed to lose a little bit. In round 3 I lost nothing but I also did nothing right.

Today I sit with a less than a great mindset. When I look in the mirror I'm starting to see the girl I was at the beginning of 2012. I'm not, I have put some weight back on, I'm sitting today at 88kg. I want to be 70kg. The photo I've attached (hope it works) is me in aug 2011 compared with me today that's 28kg gone between photos. I'm not that girl on the right anymore, I still have lumps and bumps and I still need to lose 18kg. (I know the math doesn't add up, but in this pic I was 116, when I started 12wbt, I was 111- I don't have any handy pics of me at that weight to compare)

So what am I going to do to achieve this; well I've hired a PT who I am seeing once a week. I am revisiting my goals and my excuses. I have accepted that my old habits have returned and once again need to be eradicated. I've gone back and read all my old posts and reminded myself of how far I've come. I've stopped (hopefully) comparing myself to other people. I am trying not to focus on how far I have to go but rather some small goals to start with. I'm working on my mindset as self - loathing is not helpful. I am trying to be positive so my universe will be positive as well.

I haven't signed up for this round but I'm hoping to sign up for maybe round 2 or maybe 3.

:) xx

My first red flag day

Hmmmmmm - the less said about that the better!

I've done a lot of contemplating and thinking this morning and I'm wondering why am I here? What am I aiming to achieve? Do I really want this round to be another wasted round?

The answers are simple: I'm here to lose weight, I am aiming to achieve a loss of 15kg. No I don't want this to be another wasted round.

So the reason for my contemplating was this last weekend where I had absolutely no self control. On Saturday my mother in law paid a visit (we don't see her often due to the distance between where we live). Lovely lady! Anyway she turns up with clothes for my boys and some clothes for my husband, which we are eternally grateful for. And then she turns to me and hands me 3 containers and says "I feel bad because I never bring you anything, so I've done some baking". Oh Lordy me....There was banana cake, fruit cake and anzac biscuits. And of course I shrugged my shoulders and dug on in. Then our planned lunch went out the window so off I went to take my son to a birthday party and all the food that was laid out was just too much to resist on an empty stomach. I guess on a plus (if there is one at all) I was so stuffed I didn't have dinner that night.
Then Father's day - a sausage sizzle! I did try and moderate my intake of bad food. Then last night my husband asked if we could have Thai for dinner. SIGH.....OK, just let me twist my rubber arm. So he came home with a Penang Beef and a mixed entree....Of course I had absolutely no self control and dug in.

This morning I weighed myself...(I know we're not meant to) and not surprisingly I had gained 2kg since last wednesday! Disgusted with myself I started to dish out the blame...My MIL baked..I couldn't be rude and not eat it. It was father's day. And then as I always do, I start to remind myself that it's not anyone elses fault. It's mine. I need to learn to say NO. I need to remind myself why I'm here, why I need to do this.

So I've pulled my finger out, I've looked at my commitment. I've reminded myself why I'm here, why I started. What I want and need to achieve. I am going to give this round my all! Just like I did in round 1.

On a brighter note, I had a awesome SSS this week, some of the local 12wbt gals got together at one of our local lookouts called The Skillion. It is leg breaking to walk up there, some girls jog it (power to them). So we did our SSS exercises and climbed the skillion in between each exercise. Burnt a cool 713 cals. I had to get home otherwise I would have stayed and burnt the full 1000. Next week!

This is the view from the top of the skillion!

This is me and my buddy -  It was cold!

Week 1 weigh in and SOOO many red flags

Happy to say I am exactly the same weight I was last Wednesday, which was the final weight for round 2. When I weighed myself one Sunday morning I'd put on 600g after are rather indulgent weekend. But with 2 days of clean eating and sticking to my calories I am back at last weeks weight. I am closer to 80 than I am to 90 and I'm a weight I haven't been in over 10 years. Squeeeeee!

Last night I was diarising my red flags and I have to admit I'm a little scared. Lets me honest I really have no self control when it comes to food and to have so many red flags is a little daunting and I'm really going to have to plan out those red flags so I don't jeopardise my final 12wbt.

Here's a sample for you
- Fathers Day - usually a indulgent day filled with deliciously rich food and a steady flow of alcohol.
- A pre-planed cheese and wine afternoon with some girlfriends to discuss our upcoming camping trip
- Our local 12wbt crew finale/welcome party
- A week of camping (Gulp) thankfully one of the other mum's is also on 12wbt this round and I think we'll only be sharing dinners so everything else I should be able to control.
- My neice/nephew's birthday party
- Bathurst weekend: another indulgent weekend filled with lots of food and alcohol
- My Mum's birthday
- My son's birthday
- Icehouse concert
- 12wbt Finale party

WOW I am really going to have to be organised and flex my willpower muscle.

Until next time
LJx

Peeks head around corner....Hello is anyone still here?

Well I'm not sure if anyone's still out there. But today I am making my return to blogging.

Round 2 wasn't so great for me. I really feel like I let everyone down. I managed to lose 7.8kg, but if you add to that the 3kg I put on in between rounds, it's really not that good considering how well I did in round 1. and that ladies & gents is I believe where I went wrong. I got complacent. Gosh give a girl a few compliments and she thinks she is the supreme goddess of weight loss.

I've now laid round 2 to rest and I am back and feeling confident to finally shed myself of the last 15kg.

This is my commitment -

My commitment to myself, to my family, to Mish and to the 12wbt community is to eat clean for the next 12 weeks and beyond. To build up my exercise and to learn to run for longer periods of time. I commit to blogging regularly and participating on the forums. I commit to never analysis anything on this program, I will JFDI. I commit to taking my vitamins every day and watching all of the weekly video's. Most importantly I commit to being kinder to myself and acknowledging how far I've actually come.

I'm feeling excited and quietly confident. I'm even considering ordering my finale dress now in a size 12 as extra incentive. 

So I'm hoping I still have a few people out there who are keen to read my blog, cause "baby I'ma back!"

Whats wrong with me??

I have had a horrible few weeks. I've done nothing right...I've put on weight...I am beside myself with loathing and shame. I just don't know what is wrong with me.
Everything I promised I would do from my last blog...I haven't! I am an absolute deadset mess.

I want to blame my mother...who turned up with cake the other day...she hates that I'm losing weight when she can't. I want to blame everyone ...It seriously can't be my fault that I'm turning back into a fat little piggy.
But no sadly this is my fault and I am at a deadset loss to understand why....Why? did I do so well last round and why? am I struggling so much this round?
I am beside myself....I have been sponsored this round...which means I have to succeed and I'm not. I am letting other people down...People who have believed in me....I'm sorry :(

I feel myself slipping into the dark place I was in many years ago where I had no control and I don't understand why...I am healthier than I've been in years and thinner. But I can't seem to maintain it and I feel so useless..All the joy and awesomeness I felt from last round is slipping. I have been in contact with a few people that I think have helped in making me feel this way..
I got myself a buddy (a FB inspired idea) and I've hardly heard from her, even though I've tried a few times to make contact...clearly I should have requested someone as F%^ked up as me. I also reached out to a local girl and sadly I seemed to have done something to annoy her too..all my msg's and emails have gone un-answered after our first meeting.

Even though I feel like a massive failure....I have a few plans in tact..I have bought and planned for week 6, I have had a lovely chat with another awesome 30+ gal (whom I've always admired from afar). I don't want to be a failure...I don't want people to say to me .."I knew you couldn't do it" I don't want to be this miserable, sad person I thought I'd said goodbye to.

I do deserve this.
I'm sorry this has been a tad dis-jointed

Round 1 was so easy!

I am on struggle street and I don't understand why round 2 has been such hard work for me.

Round 1 was so easy, I did what I was meant to do, I followed the program 100% (well...95%). I exercised I ate cleanly...It was just so easy, I JFDI.

Round 2 has been a completely different story. I seem to be lacking the motivation I had in round 1, which is insane as I still have just under 20kg to lose.
Don't get me wrong, I have lost weight this round. I've welcomed back my dear old friend "the 80's" and I am so very close to merely being overweight as opposed to obese. I am starting to love the way I look again, my clothes are falling off me. These things should be the biggest motivation ever to keep going.

My plan as I sit here is to go back and revisit my goals and watch all of the video's..I need to find my mojo, my focus and motivation. I need to recommit to 12wbt and get rid of this final 18kg. I need to do something, because the way I'm going at the moment, it won't be long until I'm back up over 100kg and really that is just not acceptable!

:(

Blogger Challenge Week 3 - Motivation

Thanks to Jayne here is this weeks challenge topic. Motivation!

Here are the questions

what motivates you?

In a nutshell, my boys motivate me. I am married to my childhood sweetheart, who I still adore after nearly 20 years together. We have 3 gorgeous, cheeky boys, who are 9, 6 and 1. Our oldest son has asd. I want to set a good example for them. I want my boys to grow up and have a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I don't want them to look at me and think that it's ok to let yourself go. I think probably my biggest motivator is that I don't want my kids to be embarrassed by me.

What drives you to be a better version of yourself? 

I don't want to be shy any more. I used to dance and act in stage plays. I absolutely loved it. I would love to do that again. I want to have self confidence in myself again. I want to love myself again.

What is making you just get up early with no excuses and just getting out there getting your workout done and eating healthy meals.

Truth be known, I don't always get up early. In fact I rarely do. But I always exercise at some stage during the day. I always try to make plans to meet people and then I feel guilty if I don't turn up. With the food, that's easy I love clean eating now on the occasion that I have a blow out I always end up feeling revolting and it always remind's me of why I'm here and what I'm trying to achieve

What makes you push that little bit harder? 

I think a fear of failing makes me push that little bit harder and an overwhelming desire to prove to myself that I'm not worthless and I really, really can JFDI.

I wanted to share with you my Inspiration board that I did for the weekly task.